i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
