but the lizard people decide everything anyway
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
