She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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