and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize
