Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
