woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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