Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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