i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
4 words: hood of his car
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
where are my eyebrows?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
