she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
