You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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