i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
