today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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