I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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