none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
