It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
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