i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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