hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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