my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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