Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
