i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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