Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize