Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
