Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize