It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
