The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
