Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
