She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
