Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
