He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
false alarm. still invincible.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
