I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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