I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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