ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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