My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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