Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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