I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
