I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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