my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
