sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
you never un-have a 4some
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
