The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
