1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Randomize
