Me too!
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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