Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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