This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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