Do you still have your period?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Houston, we have a squirter
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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