Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Randomize
