conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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