I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
