Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
