i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Only a mothe r could love this liver
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
