I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
The best revenge is premature balding
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
