hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
is wine microwaveable?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize