I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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