Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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