Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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