She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
