Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
tell your sister to shave her snatch
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
