I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Even the bartender felt bad for me
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
