I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
