He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
