yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
