Who wears a wallet chain?!
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize