I'm sorry my penis didn't work
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
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