dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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