Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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