i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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