i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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