i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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