her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
