She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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