I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
